Dear everybody, or should I say, dear me – as I don’t think anybody knows about the existence of my website just yet,
Here it is. Ysness dot com.
I had a strange day today. I had no sugar and no gas in the house as I woke up, so after I spent first two waking hours of my day in bed contemplating my mediocre life, I surrendered to an impulse of having a coffee uptown. No make up, no shower and, I admit, no brushed teeth. I just left the house, and after I missed my bus, I managed to put some concealer under my eyes on the bus stop so that I look sort of clean. I didn’t know where I was going. I let my instinct decide where am I gonna get off. I didn’t take no book with me, but I discovered I had my diary and a fountain pen, so I decided that today I am going to write. But write in a different style than I used to.
You see, for the past 2 years, I have been breathlessly chasing a dream of becoming a music star, because some 2 or 3 years ago, I discovered The Secret and I believed that I can be, do and have whatever I want. Hence my diary-writing used to be gratitude reporting and I AM affirmations that had everything to do with the chase and not much to do with my current reality.
And oh-dear, did I have a series of door-shuts in my face to the point that I almost lost the sight of the present moment and became seriously disappointed. Ego-possessed, that is. So today was different. I poured my heart out describing things as they are, as I see them, and as I feel about them in all present moment honesty. No more affirmations and I-AM’s followed by things I am not so that I can “manifest”. Fuck it. Writing the filth down as I saw it this morning was the most liberating thing I have done in a long time.
I read Tosha Silver’s book “Outrageous Openness”. I loved what she said about burning the manifestation boards and completely letting the divine take the lead. I do agree that The Secret can become a trap and literally enslave you to the egoic “I WANT” consciousness. I’ve done it and I got burned.
So I have a new idea.
I am going to write an online if I feel like I need to let the steam out. Like I used to do, when I was a teen and had my first major identity crisis. 3 or 4 years of my life are floating in the internet space somewhere. And man, I did have an impact. On a blogging portal, but hey. I had an audience and it was good, because I didn’t pretend to be anything other than I was – a misfit with a self-expression ability. Here I am now some 10 years later, feeling the exact same way. This website is my next step. I am still making music, but I’m not clinging to the idea of making it. Maybe I am supposed to be a mediocre fuck in this incarnation, and will have a shot at being a person of influence at some other point, when I generate a vibe high enough to be earn it. I was not on a path and I crashed, spending my Christmas on the kitchen floor by the heater, in darkness, alienation and silence. The Universe is shaking me up so that I align myself with what is. It’s like I forgot what Ysness stands for. It is what it is.