It’s been a long time since I posted anything here, even though these days my writing activity is constant. It just happens manually, because I’m a hopeless romantic and the process of handwriting is a spiritual practice. It’s funny how I came full circle to my teenage days, being on a mercy of some existential sadness, which spells (or rather yells) IDENTITY CRISIS and that is precisely what’s on the menu.
In the past month or two, I did more soul searching than throughout many other years and though it’s a painful process, I feel like I’m becoming the person I am meant to become, with the previous long-haired version of me standing a few stops back as I travel on the timeline of my life, waving bye-bye as a turn my head in approval of her role fulfilled. Someone I met had recently asked me why won’t I reconcile the compartmentalized identities I designed to protect myself into one and after I pondered it for a minute, it pointed me to the good old truth: that I will not be truly happy until I become whole.
The essence of human beings is constant evolution, just as everything else is a vibrating sea of isness, and for me, right now, it happens more rapidly than ever. Funny how human ego builds walls, halls and boxrooms to have them come crushing down under the weight of new experience. I’m no longer oblivious to the fact how insecure of a mess-woman I am underneath every mask I have in store and that is changing as we speak. I’m cultivating authenticity, with that said I’m not scared to admit I’m in the midst of a heartbreak. How lovely. And how NECESSARY. The gifts of self-discovery come wrapped in many forms; the most recent one was a blob a consciousness enveloped in a musician’s skin and though the two energies danced, struggled and finally failed to connect, I am aware of how absolutely essential of an occurrence it is for the universe to reinvent me. It’s a gift. Some songs that make my soul roar have been born in a process, but aren’t yet polished enough to release them and I hope I will feel an urge to just sit down and make ’em better before I outgrow them and leave them buried forever. They’re too good for that.
Anyway, I got a soundcloud pro on a whim and put a few of my favourite tracks in the spotlight. I’m still going after career in music since I love making it so much, but it’s a wack ride as I suck at self promotion on social media and my backward ass can’t hold a band together without spiraling into insanity. I’m just not built for being an organizer I guess. Plus mixing elements of romance with musical work has been a shredder for my paper-thin confidence anyway. I ask God for an explanation as to what am I to do to make it all happen and the answer is hold on to your vision, meditate and let the universe handle the how. It’s easier said than done though, I’ve been drinking more than normally and that doesn’t help my focus. All of a sudden I developed a social life, guess to distract myself from the heart failure, but the good thing about it is that I begin to notice how much love and laughter there is in my life outside of love affairs.
Since I do get out and mingle with people, it would be helpful to get some Ysness cards printed and give them away to random strangers who are keen to know more about my music. Perhaps “manual” promotion will be outstanding in times when everyone is doing the same old “look at me!” on Facebook. I despise it, but I still try. In the end, it’s a success when you touch even 1 person.
Now, to document my new haircut and exercise my vanity muscle that goes unpunished on my personal website, here’s some new pictures I took with Stephen – a soul from my funky tribe of souls – in the Edinburgh College of Art last Thursday. Thank you, sir.
Damn, was this ugly
Anyway. Funny how we went to an unattended fashion or textile department which used to be our live drawing studio and found a jacket that is one of the most up-my-street pieces of clothing ever. Couldn’t resist so I put it on. I’d like to track down the person that made it and have her or him work with me in the future when I finally bring my ass to perform on stage.
Oh, and we actually got kind of caught. A girl walked in just as we were snapping and I ducked under a desk like an idiot, suppressing my laughter, because in that moment I thought it to be an offense to be showing off a jacket in progress that could have belonged to her. Stephen did a great job sustaining the chat while the air got sucked out the room. He stretched his words into infinity as he told me he likes Depeche Mode while the alien figure swinged around the room minding her business. The only problem is I ducked in front of the mirror so she saw me plain and clear anyway. I might become a pokey legend in the fashion department, but hey. Sometimes you gotta doo whacha gotta doo.
And here’s the animation department that means the world to me at this time when graduation is only a few months away and I am steadily and passionately working on my ticket to the future in arts. These pictures have captured my creative space and will be gold 5, 10 and 20 years from now.
Yay for the Edinburgh Castle and yes I’m an alien. Ain’t nuttin’ wrong.
Okay, goodnight people. It’s funny how the website appears to be dead as people these days seem to rarely browse outside of social media platforms, but my stats reveal there are a few folks peeping here daily which gives me a sense of accomplishment as I participate in the unfolding of humanity. I luv pretty much every-buddy.January 14, 2018