So it’s been a rough 2 days. Before those 2 days, I felt like I’ve approached some kind of enlightenment because I was doing so well being loving and positive, even in the face of minor unpleasantnesses (and a couple of ego outbursts towards those close to me, but hey, you live and you get to have outbursts if you have a temper like mine). But today and yesterday was different. I couldn’t hide my anger about the world, about myself and about God and my vibe stank of feces as the sunshine caressed the city like a good mother. And I was absolutely present as this rage was happening in me, but couldn’t do anything to stop it. Like, the thoughts my mind was projecting on my internal screen were vicious and hostile and I could see it from a point of view of observer, but that awareness wasn’t sufficient enough to stop negative emotions from circulating inside of my body, poisoning me and the collective consciousness. I’m better now, but it was so interesting.
Hence I attracted some negative treatment from strangers and wasn’t at all surprised. There was a woman with two kids in the park, one of them, a little girl, couldn’t be much older than 9 months, tiny, walking and drooling towards my bag as her “nana” was sitting some two feet across from me. I smiled and watched the steps of the micro-human and allowed the view to cheer me up. Nana took the baby on her lap. I looked at her and said: “How old is she? She can’t be older than a year. So cute.” But Nana’s facial expression changed into something between resistant horseshoe and indifference as she stood up and walked away. I was stunned. Thought for a second that perhaps the lady is deaf, but no, a minute earlier she carried on a conversation with her other granddaughter just fine. I read the signs of the environment: a whole bunch of foreigners lounging in the sun and no people talking in English. “Ah!” I thought. It was a racist moment. I’m not used to them but there it was. Uncalled for, but indeed all day long I too was an unpleasant mu’fucka and here the Universe presented me with just a little more extreme version of my ego’s disgraceful chatter. Lesson noted.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, just in the face of how tired I am of being a slave to my ego. How much I want to reach and remain in a higher state of consciousness and how sometimes it is just not reality of the present, so I shine the light of forgiveness on my conditioned mind and those of others. Human nature is often such a cold-blooded bitch. But we’re about to change that. I want to drop the obsessive-compulsive thoughts about how much I desire to be successful and great in favour of how useful it would be to just be happy being myself and serve others with the overflow of my cup. Like, I don’t need to prove anything to anybody, and I don’t need to earn God’s love. It’s always there. Who am I kidding with this old tired striving to be “somebody”? I’m already somebody. Even though I might have moments of being ugly, angry, insecure, stinky, whatever negative it might be – it came in the package of being human, but it’s about conscious evolution. The fact I’m here, having this human experience as a spiritual entity, is a proof sufficient enough that my source has a purpose for me. That should keep me humble.
I looked at some of my old pictures from the teenage days, how absolutely miserable and disgusted with myself I was. How critical of everything and everybody; how lost, hopeless and disconnected from the Universe I felt. I’ve come a long way. But today and yesterday seemed to be flashbacks from some lower level of awareness. Oh, sweet disgrace. Perhaps it’s just a reminder from life that hell is a state of mind? Indeed, I chose to look at it this way and let it go.
I wish everybody to just find themselves wherever they are and in full awareness, just appreciate this bus stop on the journey of life. Cuz life can be an asshole, but more so, it is what we make it. Be your own thoughts-police and come correct, over and over and over. Amen.
April 20, 2018